Step-parents are not "normal"
your children don't have to be nice to them
No judgement against divorcees. But I feel the need, once again, to harp on the fact that divorce is an injustice to the children of the couple. What is worse than divorce is when one or both parents start bringing people they’re dating around
My issue is that divorce and remarriage are always framed in terms of the needs/interests of the adults. Sure, they say it’s better for the kids to not grow up in a dysfunctional household…but more times than not, this is a copout. And studies show that kids who grow up in unhappy intact families fare better psychologically than kids who grow up in happy broken families (spousal abuse is another story, of course).
Anyway, divorcees really ought to try to consider what it’s like for a child to have to spend their time with some adult they don’t know, who presumes to be a part of their family. I experienced it as a violation, as an infringement on my safety and sanity. It is deeply unnatural for a child to have to treat some random guy or lady as if they are part of the family, if not also a mother or father figure. What’s worse is when parents demand that their child be nice to the person they are dating, and get mad at the kid if they have an attitude around the partner.
A child has absolutely no obligation to roll out the welcome mat for some random adult you are allowing to enter into their life and home. How utterly presumptuous!! Who are you to demand that I allow you to destroy my life and then—to add insult to injury—let some stranger invade it?
Of course, I am being hyperbolic. I love my divorced parents, and I love my step-parent. I just want divorcees to understand how unfair it is to demand that a vulnerable, defenseless child go out of their way so that you as the adult can live your best life.
So if you absolutely have to get divorced, and you absolutely have to start dating people, then do NOT impose on your child. And do NOT gaslight them into thinking there is something wrong with THEM for not wanting some random stranger to become part of their life.